Breaking the Sycle of Self-Sabotage in Adolescents
Self-sabotage in teen life is when you wreck the very things you say you care about: grades, sports, friendships, mental health, future plans.
You do want things to go well… and then you:
Stay up until 3 a.m. on TikTok the night before the test you’re stressed about
Leave a text on read for days because “if I answer I’ll sound weird”
Blow off practice right before tryouts because “coach probably hates me anyway”
Tell yourself you’re “done with vaping,” then buy another disposable “just for this week”
None of these look huge in the moment. It’s “just this once.” “Just this weekend.” “Just this one fight.” But like tiny cracks in a phone screen, they spread. After a while, it starts to feel like your life is proof that you “can’t get it together,” even though part of you is trying.
So why do you keep getting in your own way? Here are some of the big reasons, as it shows up for adolescents and young adults.
1. “I don’t really deserve good things”
On the outside, you might look like you’re trying: honors classes, sports, clubs, jobs. On the inside, you might have this running belief: I’m not actually that smart / talented / lovable. I’m faking it.
So when things start going well, something in you panics and hits the brakes.
How this can look:
Your math grade is finally up. Then you “forget” to turn in homework and start doing assignments late.
You’re talking to someone you like, it’s going well, and you suddenly get distant, dry, or sarcastic and convince yourself they’re probably annoyed anyway.
You make the team, and then you begin skipping practice, showing up late, or putting in half effort.
It sounds backwards, but sometimes failing feels more comfortable than success. Failure fits the story in your head: “See? I knew I wasn’t good enough.”
Letting yourself believe you might actually be capable feels risky and unfamiliar.
Your brain might sound like:
“If I do well this time, I’ll just mess it up later.”
“They’re going to figure out I’m not that good.”
“This was a fluke. I don’t deserve it.”
So you knock yourself back down to the level that has been your “normal.”
2. “If I ruin it myself, at least I’m in control”
Trying your best is scary, because if you care and still fail, it can feel brutal.
So instead, you do this quiet little trick: you don’t give 100%. That way, if it goes badly, you always have an out.
How this can look:
You don’t apply for the advanced class, team, job, or program you actually want, and tell everyone you “weren’t interested.”
You never fully study; you cram last minute and then say, “I could have done better if I actually tried.”
You break up with someone or push them away first because you’re sure they’ll leave once they “see the real you.”
You’re not lazy. You’re protecting yourself.
If you hold back, you can tell yourself, “It doesn’t really count. I didn’t even give it my max
The problem is, this also keeps you stuck. You never get to find out what happens when you actually show up for new life experiences and achievements.
3. “If people really knew me, they’d call me a fraud”
This is that “everyone thinks I’m something I’m not” feeling.
People might see you as the “smart one,” “funny one,” “strong one,” “good kid.” Meanwhile, you’re thinking, If they saw the real me, they’d be disappointed.
How this can look:
You get into an honors class and suddenly every assignment feels terrifying, so you procrastinate and scroll for hours rather than even starting.
You get a big role, captain, or leadership position and then feel sick every time you have to show up, so you start avoiding responsibilities.
You’re the friend everyone vents to, but you never ask for help because you’re convinced you’re not “allowed” to struggle.
Even if you’re doing well, it never feels like proof that you’re capable. It feels like proof that the pressure is about to get worse.
Your brain might go:
“If I succeed, people will expect more next time and I’ll disappoint them.”
“Everyone else actually belongs here. I just slipped through.”
“One mistake and they’ll all see I’m a joke.”
So you stall, freeze, do the bare minimum, hide on the sidelines, or distract yourself with literally anything else rather than risking being “found out.”
4. “Chaos is what I know”
If you grew up around drama, yelling, silent treatment, cheating, lying, or just constant stress, then calm can feel weird. Sometimes calm can even feel unsafe, like you’re waiting for something bad to happen.
How this can look:
You date someone who’s genuinely kind and steady, and you feel weirdly bored or uncomfortable. You pick fights, test them, or flirt with other people just to shake things up.
When things are going smoothly at home, you feel on edge and end up breaking a rule, starting an argument, or dropping a bomb in a group chat.
You’re nicer to people who treat you badly than to people who treat you well, because toxic feels “normal” and safe feels suspicious.
You might not be doing this on purpose. Your body is used to a certain level of stress. When that drops, your system goes, “Something’s off. Fix it.”
So you recreate what you know. Not because you love misery, but because you know how to survive in that environment. Healthy, stable, and kind can feel confusing.
5. “At least I’ll have an excuse”
Sometimes self-sabotage is like building your own escape hatch.
If you bomb, you can point to your choices instead of asking louder, scarier questions about yourself.
How this can look:
“Of course I failed the test; I didn’t start studying until midnight” feels safer than “I actually tried and still struggled.”
“Of course they left; we were fighting all the time” feels safer than “I don’t really know how to let people close without pushing them away.”
“Of course I didn’t make varsity; I missed tryouts” feels safer than “I might not have made it even if I tried.”
If there’s always some drama, chaos, or bad habit to point at, you never have to look at the deeper story you’re carrying, like:
“I’m unlovable.”
“I’m just not smart enough.”
“I’m broken.”
Short term, that excuse makes things easier to swallow. Long term, it keeps you from actually testing that story and proving it wrong.
6. “I’m bored, numb, and chaos gives me a rush”
Sometimes it really is about the rush.
If you feel numb, stuck, or like everything is just one big gray blob, you might create drama to feel something.
How this can look:
Picking a fight over something small and then watching the group chat blow up.
Posting something risky or half-exposing online just to see who reacts.
Going back to behaviors you swore you were done with (self-harm urges, vaping, starving/binging, texting your ex at 1 a.m.) because it cuts through the numbness.
Part of you might be thinking:
“If my life is already a mess, I might as well lean into it.”
“At least when there’s drama, I feel alive.”
“If I’m going to be at the bottom, I want to be the one causing the chaos, not crushed by it.”
It gives you the delusion of power, but in a way that costs you a lot.
So what’s really underneath all this?
People say self-sabotage is about “fear of success.” That sounds dramatic, but it’s not quite it.
Most of the time, it’s fear of what success asks from you:
Letting yourself care
Actually trying
Having to keep that success going
Being seen
Risking that your best might not work every time
It’s terrifying to think, “What if I try as hard as I can and it still isn’t enough?”
So instead, you:
Try halfway
Show up late
Numb out
Start fights
Avoid people and opportunities
That way, if it goes badly, you can tell yourself a softer story: “It’s because of what I did, not because of who I am.”
What to do with this (without beating yourself up)
If you’re seeing yourself in this, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or doomed. It usually means this:
Your brain and body have been trying to protect you from pain: shame, disappointment, rejection, feeling like a failure. The strategy looks messy from the outside, but it does make sense.
A better starting point than “I have to fix myself” is:
Notice when you sabotage.
When does it happen most? Before tests? When someone likes you? Right after you get good news? When you’re bored? Lonely?
Catch the thoughts that show up right before.
Stuff like:
“This won’t last.”
“They’ll leave anyway.”
“I’ll just mess it up.”
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter.”
Ask what feeling you’re trying to avoid.
Shame? Fear? Embarrassment? Feeling out of control? Feeling not enough? Numbness?
You don’t have to magically stop every pattern overnight. Just being honest with yourself about why you’re doing what you’re doing is already a big step out of autopilot.
From there, you can start experimenting with small changes: trying 5% more on something that matters, answering one text you’d normally avoid, asking for help once, staying at practice instead of leaving early.
Not because you suddenly believe you’re amazing, but because you’re curious…..
What happens if I stop tripping myself on purpose and see what I’m actually capable of?